Mary writes:

I'm 38 and the mother of two children. My son is 2 and my daughter is 4. I'm divorced and my ex-husband plays little part in the children's upbringing. I rely on my mother to look after them while I'm at work. Unfortunately, in my mother's eyes, I can't do anything right. I'm either spoiling the children or being too tough on them. I have to find a way to stop her constantly criticising me - especially in front of the children.

Where do I begin?

Letter 1.

Dear Mary,

There's no avoiding the fact that you need to confront your mother about this. She needs to know exactly how you feel. I'm sure from her perspective she thinks she's helping, not getting in the way. My guess is that you've dropped loads of hints in the past but these haven't been taken up. That's why you need to communicate your thoughts and feelings about her constant criticising in an unambiguous, explicit way. The question is how to have this conversation in a way that doesn't lead to a long-term bust-up. Here are my suggestions.

Don't wait until the situation gets intolerable and you explode with anger. You might well say things you regret later on. Instead, fix a date with your mum to go out for a meal and make this the occasion for the conversation.

Plan what you wish to say and don't feel satisfied until you've made your points clearly. Check that she has understood you and not misinterpreted your words.

Spend a few minutes at the beginning of the conversation reassuring your mum that her help is vital and that you are enormously grateful. Get her to see how valuable her help is to you.

Spend some time at the end of the conversation making sure to end on a good note, with a big hug.

Dale Mathews, Birmingham

Letter 2.

Dear Mary,

Grow up. You sound like an infant yourself. Do you pay your mother a decent wage for being a child-minder? No? I didn't think so. If you want free help, you have to put up with the negatives. Also, has it occurred to you that your mother might be right? I bet you do oscillate between taking it out on the children and then spoiling them. It's probably the result of a guilty conscience.

Jean Bradley, Clapham