What's the connection between a gangland knifing and a dysfunctional conversation?

The answer holds an important key to better interpersonal communication.

A few years ago, Diego Gonzales, a 19-year-old resident of Los Angeles, was sentenced to life imprisonment for stabbing to death his 17-year-old cousin Cesara, a fellow member of the same street gang. According to Diego's statement to the arresting officers, he had no choice but to kill Cesara. Why? Because Cesara had been seen flirting with Diego's girlfriend. “He didn't show me proper respect, so he had to be taught a lesson. If I let him get away with it, other people would start to disrespect me.” In Diego's world, respect is everything. It provides people like him with status and power - and even a reason to kill.

This story is a reminder of what a powerful influence respect exerts over human affairs. The need to feel respected runs deep, and though experiencing a lack of respect might not stir up murderous thoughts in the majority of people it is nevertheless a major factor in communication breakdown.

Feeling respected means feeling that you are being treated as a valuable human being, somebody whose individuality, ideas, rights, views and feelings matter. Feeling disrespected is about being treated as somebody who doesn't matter, or who matters less than the other person in the conversation. That's why respect is such a powerful factor. It's an indication of our value as a person.

Every conversation takes place in a climate. Some climates are negative and have a corrosive influence on the interaction. For example, conversations in climates based on suspicion or distrust have little chance of producing a worthwhile outcome. On the other hand, conversations that take place in positive, supportive climates - like those based on mutuality and trust - have a much higher chance of success.

The biggest influence over the climate is the degree of respect present in the conversation. The moment someone in a conversation feels disrespected, the communication is in danger. The feeling of being respected (or disrespected) is a very powerful emotion that can easily override any other consideration. If you feel disrespected, it's easy to lose your temper or give up on the conversation altogether. It's also very difficult to listen well in this frame of mind.

For example, Sebastian, a research scientist, finds it hard to value people who're not as smart as he is, so he finds dialogue with many people difficult since they often feel patronised by his manner. Simone has a similar problem. She is scornful of elderly people, who she sees as ‘slow and boring'. This attitude comes across very clearly in her conversations with anyone over 50, where it is perceived as being deeply disrespectful.

Tell me more about the power of respect and how I can build it into my conversations.